“Seek first to understand the situation before asking to be understood” advice told by a friend.

Took a whole plane ride home, many tears out the window, and three more conversations to figure things out.

I’m sorry.
for being selfish.
for letting my pride get in the way.
for not fixing us sooner.

Two people with the same past, the same pain, the same ideas, the same anger
Split by time. Split by memories. Split by experiences.

Learning how to be there again. Learning how to enter each others lives. Learning how to walk side by side.

What I learned most is how to understand what you need from me not what I despise of you.

"boys are stupid". that is a real quote i heard today. damn. sounds like a book title.

last weekend was the not so spontaneous girls raod trip that was well needed. the girls piled in the Bug magazines and tote bags galore. wow - had it really been this long since this happened? not much has changed since the college day road trips except maybe the subjects we discuss and our upgraded lip gloss going from drugstore lip gloss in fruit flavors shifting to glaze baby mac lipstick. any maybe the pile of dollars bills we scrounged up between the group in order to make the car run. but never the less....the gabbing started even before the car door shut, catching up on holiday parties, christmas presents that got returned in order to get through the weekend, and of course, dumb boys.

there is nothing like pretending we were on a movie set of a cameran diaz christmas themed movie walking up to our aunt and uncle's house....over joyed by laughs, Glunt, and big cats...or was that part llama.

steve

the carefree spirit we had grown quite comfortable with had completely overtaken us. i don't know if it was the feeling that we could rule the world or that he looked so approachable that drew us to him. maybe it was the fresh plate of sushi he was about to devour. above it all, he had a smile that you could see from across the terrace. He welcomed us with that aloha smile and the glow of his dark tan looked a bit out of place for a chicago summer in early July. it was exotic. we knew he had stories. lots of them, and we were ready to listen. before we knew it we had plans to explore the world. take our cameras and board the next flight the Mexico. we were instant friends.
we were on the phone inviting his counterpart to come play and the four of us were bound to be close forever. the 2's plus steviemac and tommy. there was a bond, a connection, the laughs continued and the night was magical. we laughed about the huge chocolate bars steve was sending to all of his friends, and the No Fear we had inquired. every second of that night...who knew? we made promises to keep in touch and those were never broken.
two years later while laying on the beach in maui we would still reference the day we all met as one of the most amazing days ever...ever. no one would really know what made it so special. we all shared the same feeling of carefree bliss.
my friend jimmy says you should go through life and build “collective friends”. quality friends, the ones that you share sushi with and watch sunsets through wine glasses, the ones that tell you to go through life with No Fear. the ones who don't judge.
steve's heart was bigger than him.
he was loyal. an amazing father. a friend of the gecko. your surf instructor. a photographer. he was an optimist. a dreamer. looked at the good and loved life. he could read you. There was never judgment.
while sitting on the beach, steve told me once...."you gotta live through it, to learn from it". love your family and friends....forget about work and your job....
steve was mysterious. we called him the governor and tom was the mayor and debbie was the princess of the island.
your sprit will be within us forever and we might just always hate BMW's that drive fast.
we love you steviemac. when we get to heaven we'll look for waterfalls and go to the tiki bar with you and laugh....

i say this until January hits...

The commute to work is the best time of the day. why? Well because it has to be. The moment tommy’s voice is yackin in my ear on his minute radio stint, it gets me pumped about Sunday’s game. As I lather up in the shower, I gaze out the window at what I just learned is the tallest building in the States, our pretty Sears Tower. Hmm, which black suite shall I wear today? Ann Klein or Tahari? Running out the door ten minutes behind schedule, I dig for my phone buried in the covers from late night texting and grab two two many totes in which I deem necessary for the commute, kiss monty and grab an apple, apologizing that he has to eat dry food but only until we are clear of our economic crisis. The B-U-S comes cruisin’ down LaSalle with what seem like less and less people each morning (where are they all going)…and here comes a quick prayer for a seat. YES! I see one, towards the back and past the “tilt’a’whirl” less than desirable middle seats where any sudden movement will get you car-sick….or uh...bus-sick that is. I-Pod in and Day Tripper by the Beatles on repeat goes on. The temptation to read emails on the blackberry is a consideration but after reading some “self help” book, by a shrink, she recommended NOT doing so, something about ruining your day even before you get into the office. So I pull out a book that is long over due to be finished and with a slight sense of A.D.D. and the strong curiosity of the people around me, get the better of me and I realize it’s a lost cause, so I put the book back in my many-a-totes and my bookmark will remain in chapter 2 once again. Bing! The mystery man speaks overhead to tell me that we are at Madison stop and we in fact will not run into the Board of Trade Building located smack dab in the middle of the street only one short block away. Day Tripper is on it’s third run and I switch to my “cruise” music, usually Britney Spears, “Gimme More” or Donna Summer, Hot Stuff. Now begins the three blocks walk which is the most fun part of the day. Don’t ask me why. Maybe it’s the quick detour to mcgriddleland in which two are purchased along with coffee and a container of milk. Three minutes later I continue down the path to the old PH (home), a man raises a flag above head and the sunrise peaks through the buildings, just enough for my sunglasses to look appropriate, and I wish for a quick second that my toes could handle this commute in 4 inch heals, just so I could play the chick off Devil Wears Prada with my coffee and blackberry in hand in high heels walking downtown frantically to a job I’m suppose to hate. Well let’s revise to the real world version. McDonald’s coffee not starbucks, and Puma tennies not Prada stilettos, and my hand bag is probably Marc by Marc Jacobs not a actually Marc Jacobs. But that’s ok because I really do like my job and for that, I’ll take the real world version. Time for one more song and I choose Daft Punk, One More Time because it makes me smile. Memories of my sister and I listening to them as kids pop into my head and in recent years it turned into my friend’s favorite band so new memories are formed. I arrive in the elevator and I’m by myself. I can’t help but adjust myself in the present mirror behind me and a quick urge to start dancing comes over me….quick, I tell myself, your office is only on the 2nd floor. I smile and realize if I had heels on, I could not dance up and down for fear of an ankle shatter, so I pull out a few moves in my pumas and careful not to spill the coffee. I gain composure and walk into the office sharing a bit of small talk with our Russian receptionist all the while realizing I forgot my pantyhose and I am meeting clients in fifteen minutes. Happy Friday bitches.

october foilage

if you asked me what i came into this world to do, i will tell you:
i came to live out loud.

Emile Zola

Summertime

I always look forward to this time of year. I always dread this time of year.

Summertime.

First, let's make one thing clear. While I am not a big fan of the heat, it is really the humidity that is the bane of my summer existence. There is nothing like stepping outside from a nicely air-conditioned building and feeling the sweat immediately run freely out of every pore on your body. I know that sounds gross, but that is Oklahoma for ya. It can't be helped.

The heat and humidity aside, there are a couple more things that I find unfortunate about Summertime. Mosquitos are pretty high on that list. Then there are the hoards of kids on summer break from school who have nothing better to do than stir up mischief and mayhem.

All of that aside, I couldn't imagine life without Summertime. There are so many things about this time of year that make me love it. I love eating ice cream cones as fast as I dare so they don't melt and make a big, sticky mess. I love sitting out on the porch and listening to the cicadas and the frogs and the crickets. I love the 4th of July. I love wearing capris to work and tank tops the rest of the time. I love fishing and swimming and camping. I love the smell of the bug spray that was actually made to smell nice. I love the storms that pop up because of the heat. I love the long days.

And then there are the memories. Some of my fondest memories come from Summertime. Camp. Catching lightning bugs in a jar with holes at Grandma's house. Kati and I were so fascinated with them because we didn't get to do that in California. Swimming in our pool every darned day from sun up to sun down. Family vacations. "Thunder & Lightning" and "Zelda" with Lucky Charms. Tents in the upstairs family room. It seems the list is endless...

Okay, I give. I always look forward to this time of year.

over the rainbow - my version of a song

i walked over the bridge into the city where i lived

relationships change

though i think it's kinda strange how money makes a man grown

if you get enough fame you live over the rainbow

but the people on the street, out on busses, out on feet - we all got the same blood flow


sometimes we forget what we got
who we are
we gotta change
make it right

im in love with a man who's in love with the world
though i can't help but fall in love
though i know some day he is bound to go away to stay over the rainbow
i gotta learn how to let him go
over the rainbow

sometime we forget who we got
who they are
there is so much more to love than black and white
keep it loose child
keep it tight

my life on a snowy april saturday night in chicago

if you asked me what i came into this world to do,
i would tell you:

i came to live out loud.

-emile zola

if you look into the mirror as you pass....does that make you vain or aware
and what is the opposite of self aware
why dont cats stare in mirrors, do they not realize it's them in the reflection or do they not care

these are things i ponder in my head sometimes.....

what is the age that physical beauty starts going the other way. at what age are you at your peak beauty? *spare me with the beauty is in the eye of the beholder speech. for real.....i'd like to think that things are looking better for me since high school, college, even three years ago....so is it when the wrinkles to start to arrive, when the baby comes and you let yourself go, when certain styles are in? interesting.....hmmmm

excuse the randomness of this post....all kinds of things are flying in my head right now.....im' reading a book called "the opposite of love" once again spare me the thoughts and judgment of "shallow reading" i stare at contract all day and numbers and MAR and attrition clauses, and send over 95 emails in a morning with 5 GM's yelling at me to increase ADR and need dates.
i love it, the book i mean, well my job too for that matter. (side note number one.....a friend once told me (she worked in HR for more years than i could walk, so i believe her)
if you hate your job five days in a row....(keys words, IN A ROW) then that is when you look for a new one.
ok back to the book....
author is Julie Buxbaum
it's about a girl....who breaks up with the man who is about to propose and from the outside (and everyone else) is the perfect guy, for her, for any girl.
but something is missing and the thought of being married to him forever......no, not so much. it has more to do with her than him....
(ok so now are you thinking, a bio of kit's life?) bc i did....
big city, good job, newly broken up with the guy that everyone thought made the best couple just before he dropped the knee and big question.
but i read a quote while riding home on the #22 tonight.....

you never know when you're going to meet someone who's going to change your life. new york (but i replace this with chicago) its consistant throb of potential, can be a dangerous place for the overly imaginative, everyone you see is a posile route toward a different future.

Stealer of Imaginary Friends

So, I'm driving down the road with my friend, Lora, after going to the gym. We get into a conversation about her kiddo's imaginary jaguar. She tells me that this morning they actually had to go back into the house because the poor kid left his jaguar inside. As she told me this, I replied, "why didn't you just tell him that you'd already let the kitty out to go to the bathroom? And then whistle for him." Lora laughed and said "wow, you're good at this. Did ya have many imaginary friends when you were a kid?"


Well that got me thinking and it got me laughing. And I went to explain, "Not only did I have imaginary friends, but I had alter egos too!" My friend went to laughing and I continued to explain. "First, for some reason, I loved the name Francine. I told everyone my name was Francine. Somewhere along the way I decided that instead of being Francine, I was going to be Superman. Occasionally Clark Kent, but usually Superman. Oh, and Mom was Lois Lane, Dad was Perry White, and Kati was Jimmy Olsen. Oh, she hated that. She didn't want to be the lowly copy editor."


Lora cracks up. "I can't believe you know all their names!" she exclaims between giggles.


"You have no idea," I reply, shaking my head. "Anyway, I was Superman for awhile and I guess it was during that time that since I was no longer Francine, she became my imaginary friend. Then I added Janet and Sissyanne."


By now, Lora is rolling.


"Oh it gets worse. Sissyanne was originally Kati's imaginary friend. I stole her."


Lora nearly drives off the road. "You stole your sister's imaginary friend?! How do you steal someone's imaginary friend?!"


Again, I shook my head. "I was mean. I punked my little sister out of all kinds of stuff. It wasn't limited to imaginary friemds." I paused for a minute, thinking. "Wow. I punked my little sister out of her imaginary friend." I can't help but snicker.


Lora is still laughing. "I can't believe you. I'm going to call you 'The Stealer of Imaginary Friends'! It's going to read that on your tombstone in 90 years."


"At least I let her keep Birdyhouse," I reply, somewhat indignantly.


"Birdyhouse?!"


"Well yeah, to this day, I remember standing out in our backyard. Kati and I were arguing about who had more imaginary friends. We're both shouting names at each other. 'I have Francine!' I holler. 'Oh yeah? Well I have uh...um, Birdyhouse!' Kati yells back quite triumphantly as she looks around the backyard, search for a name. We were pretty young and since Kati was younger, she ran out of names faster. I guess when her eyes fell on a birdhouse, she thought that it would be the perfect name for her new imaginary friend. One I wouldn't think of first," I explained.


"Did you steal that one too?" Lora asked, glancing at me as she exited the highway.


I shook my head vigorously. "No, I thought that Birdyhouse was lame and I told her so."


Lora laughed again. "That's terrible."


Could it be true? Was I terrible? So I thought to myself, 'I wonder if she'd forgive me if I gave Sissyanne back...'

IN MEMORY OF......KAY BEIEN a rockstar at heart

we lost something today....someone......
someone we all strive mirror our own selves after......

with more patience than jobe...
more love than any single human could poses...

she was my fashion partner....
my number one basketball fan.....
the only person who wanted to be more tan or "brown" than me.....

loved the ocean, the beach, the sun....
notre dame and da bears.....the chicago bulls......

we laughed about nothing and talked about the people close to us.....
she knew keeli, brandy, and kristin......michael and chris....

every college girlfriend and the stories behind them....

she knew my best chicago friends even before i did......
a dear friend's grandmother and Kay were neighbors years and years ago....and who knew one day the grand daughters would be dear friends.

she was honest and fair and loving....i know....all grandmothers are right? but do all grandmothers sport your pink Christian Dior sunglasses and Guess bright pink skirts. banana republic cropped capris and nike sweat suites......

grandma - i love you more than anything...i know you are looking down saying stuff like "that's garbage" and "quite with all the fussing" "go on about your lives"

I'm sorry i never got you to maui but im sure where you are right now is much better than that silly ol island......

don't forget to remember

"borrowed" from a joyous music group's album name from the UK called Puressence......they remind us to DONT FORGET TO REMEMBER.....
IT MADE ME THINK. i like things that make me think.
so im right now remembering some diggity dog dare you moments, some rock your socks off moments, some i cant believe it not butter moments......

remember your first game of truth or dare. how insecure you felt. how you felt dumb like the entire circle knew more about everything than you did.

remember your first moment that you realized you let someone one down. that split second, it clicked that you screwed up....and they believed in you.....

remember the first time you realized that snow flakes are ACTUALLY shaped in the shape of a snow flake......

here's to kisses and near misses....and when you know you have time left with someone....to take advantage of it.
here's to snow falling silently for hours soothing an entire city's pulsing heart.

here's to those moments that you become self aware.....

live and let live.....the quote pounded into my head as a child
some people come into ours lives and quickly go, others leave footprints on your heart and you are never the same.....the picture that was on my wall growing up as a child and it took 15 years to learn the meaning of it....

i hope i leave footprins....big ones.....

stuff we love

the song by the Cinematic Orchestra - "To Build a Home"

`kit

I'm baaa-aack!!

Happy Monday for the second week in a row! Today was my first day back to work.

I've never been one who takes things for granted. Even the mundane that often escapes "normal" people's attention, gives me pause to stop and say a prayer of gratitude.

However, this past month and half has taught me a lot. I was sicker this past December than I have been in my adult life. It has been a humbling experience. I've always had the attitude that nothing was going to keep me from what I wanted to do. It was often a battle of wills with myself.

Work was one of those things that I almost took for granted. I told myself that I would continue to move forward in my career, damn the consequences. After several months of that attitude and the consequences nipping at my heels, that decision was taken out of my hands. The nipping at my heels became a full on assault that knocked me flat on my arse.

At first there wasn't a question of whether I could work. I simply couldn't. Have a slice of humble pie.

Then it was more of a question of balancing my desire to keep my career against those consequences.

By the grace of God, I'm being given a second chance to hold on to my career for a little longer. Granted, there are some modifications and some sacrifices. But I'm not done yet. God is good.

Well...these are the musings of an Idgie who had been rumored to have fallen off the face of the earth.

every now and then

every now and then don't you just stop and laugh....
laugh at those days...that seemed like a different lifetime ago.....
where time seemed to slip away from our fingers...
always around, always together...always .

where madonna influenced our minds and whistle stop cafe triggered out imaginations.
small things were so big and big things were so small.

we wanted the only yellow cub without a handle among the 30 with handles.
we wanted to unbroken crayons and the strawberry creams.

you were player number one and i was player number two.
i was middle seat and you were back.
i was big couch and you were little.

you were the rabit and i was Padington.
you were green and i was blue.

you were the cats meow and i was a man's best friend.

so heres to boney fingers and day dream believers.....
ill be your lazy W anytime.....

here comes the rest of our lives....

where my idgie at

happy monday.

today is a good day.....i was thinking about all the LOVE that surrounds us....and have a quote to make your cozy toes smile and happy feet flirt.....

"I have estimated the influence of reason upon love and found that it is like that of a raindrop upon the ocean, which makes one little mark upon the water's face and disappears".

-Hafiz-i-Shirazi, translated from Persian text

it's the beginning of a time left long ago

it's sacred not secret

it's super not friendly

it's ours not yours

______________



it's about time
it's about now
it's about then


it's ours not yours...but now we'll share...........

sts.....forever......