i love him
Monday, February 16, 2009
be fulfilled
rainbows and the soul factor
so many questions along the way. I think God was teaching me how to be patient.
"In Time" i can just picture Him saying this to me.
i was like an impatient child wanting everything instantly, all at once. now looking back....i dont think the ending of the fairy tale would have been the same. or maybe it wasnt about me at all, maybe he wasnt ready for someone like me to come...or arrive...i like to think we changed each other...sometimes i think i dont have anything to offer him. me? what is so special? what was it? what captured him.
it's been easier than i thought. the perception, the things people would say, how would our friends mesh....it all worked. maybe that is why i was the youngest of 7 and so was he. we just came so close to it not ever working.
and steve. oh my dear stevie mac. oh how i miss you. if it werent for your open heart and warm endearing smile, i would have not met him. a2 and i, out on a stroll, in the prime of our mischievous days of exploring the power we had behind our eyes and thoughts.
it started the day we wanted to be tourists in chicago for a day. then we realized....we could do anything in this world we wanted to. we both had a blank drawing pad....only to be filled with risk, adventure, love, extremeness, and all colors of the rainbow. because any one who would love us would soon realize we were in love with the world.
it works. it's that easy. whoever said love was hard. no it's not. love is easy. it's easy to be with the one person on this earth (ok maybe there is more).... but one a few people on this earth that makes you dizzy, and makes you think, and makes you be a better person.
tom makes me want to be a better person.
those are the people i want to take on my life adventure.
why and how can i waste anymore than one day per 365 feeling sorry for myself when i have felt all of the colors of the rainbow all within my soul at a ripe age of 26?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
a black hole one day a year
i was raised to never feel sorry for myself.
...but sometimes....just maybe one day a year...i want to...
why.
why.
i dont want to deal with this anymore. i dont think it's fair. im just one of 30,000 people on this earth dealing with it. sometimes i feel like im the only one.
my 27th birthday is two months away, then after that....i have ten years left according to the statistics. hmm, maybe that means im allotted a midlife crisis and should buy or corvette or something.
be reckless.
"Every day we feel different; sometimes we're happy; sometimes we're sad. But to photograph someone as they are is my favorite"
- Terry Richardson
"Be reckless enough to gamble all or nothing to follow your dreams"
- John Galliand
"People are trying to be the best they can for who they are....."
what is your current state of mind.
accomplished and balanced.
how would you like to die.
with my life in order and all of my business on earth taken care of, the people in my life know that i love them.
what natural gift would you most like to possess.
mind reading?
what is it you most dislike.
lies.
who are your favorite composers.
miles davis.
john lennon.
who are your heros in real life.
my mother and father.
what is your favorite flower.
gerber daisy and roses.
bird of paradise.
color.
yellow.
what country would you like to live.
greece.
what would you like to be.
admirable person.
respected.
what is your dream of happiness.
bliss. warm. having my family close. laughing. friends. the ocean.
what is your favorite occupation.
photographer. duh.
any job you can wear a suit.
what is your principle defect.
too hard on people. sensitive.
what do you value most in your friends.
loyalty and being laid back.
quality you most like most in a man.
trust. sense of humor. spontaneous.
your most marked characteristic.
listening.
your motto.
sometimes you gotta live through it to learn from it.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
february.
just because i still consider valentines day repulsive doesn't mean i cant still think about
LOVE
this month.
from the book.... "a thousand paths to love" by david baird
one word frees us of all weight and pain of life; that word is love. sophocles
there is little a person will not dare when strong affection stirs the spirt.
once you have learned to love, you have learned to live.
there are two ways of spreading our light - we can either be like the candle or like the mirror that reflects it.
be careful when you fall in love: you might fall and keep falling for an entire lifetime.
love will attempt to lead you in direction while understanding lures you the other way. let yourself be led by love.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Duke
“I’m going to drive this until the wheels fall off. Then, I’m going to get new wheels, put ‘em on, and drive it till it just falls apart.”
That was the plan anyway.
I’d wanted a truck for a long time. The first time I’d ever had the opportunity to do something about that desire was during my previous marriage. My ex-husband’s Blazer shit the bed so it was time to do some looking. The plan was to use the money in my CD to buy our new vehicle. I would drive it while my ex drove my Honda. Immediately I said, “I want a truck.”
I was shot down.
That situation was a perfect illustration of how things were in that relationship. My needs and wants never really seemed important. In fact, they were relegated to the back burner most of the time. Not only did I not get my truck, but we ended up with the car that he chose. Worse yet, it became his car.
That relationship lasted for eight years. Little by little I lost who I was. It was so subtle that I didn’t even realize that it was happening. As it happens, everyone else around me was able to see it. Friends, family…but I couldn’t. Or wouldn’t.
Ironically, I started to find myself through a friendship with a man who would become my husband. Things about my true personality that I had long-since buried, surfaced through this friendship. If that wasn’t hard enough, the difficult questions soon followed.
“Why do I feel more myself with Terry than I do my own husband?”
Since childhood I’ve had a strong personality. How could I have lost that, lost myself, and worse yet, never even saw it happening? What a humbling realization. I had changed who I was for a man. For a relationship. For a husband who didn’t treat me the way I deserved to be treated. For someone who thought herself so strong, how did I ever learn to believe that I didn’t deserve better?
During the summer of 2005, I started my life over. I had a new career, a new home, and a new relationship. I was re-learning who I was. This was also one of the most difficult times of my life. Because I had left everything I knew behind, I felt a little lost. I felt like I had no roots.
Terry was working through his own turmoil at the time. Trying to regain some of what was stolen from him in his first marriage. One of which was the truck he lost when his ex stole the money he gave her to pay his truck payment.
We worked to combine our separate lives, making them one. Buying our trucks together was the first thing that we did together. The first thing that was ours together. Buying our trucks was planting our first roots together.
When Terry asked me what I was looking for, there was no hesitation. I wanted a truck and I wanted it to be a Ranger. I wanted a stick shift. The rest was negotiable. Terry spotted it and I fell in love. Coincidently, Terry’s F-150 came from the same place. I named my truck Duke, after a truck in one of our favorite movies. The pride I felt from being able to choose and buy my own truck, with no one telling me I couldn’t, was indescribable. Signing my name to the title, making my payments, feeling the satisfaction of it being mine.
It was the first major decision I made for myself, because I wanted it, in a very long time. It was part of my liberation.
Letting go of Duke was harder than I imagined it would be. The only thing that has made it bearable for me is knowing that even if it was part of the first root, there have been many more roots since then. Not the least of which is the deepest root: our marriage.
That was the plan anyway.
I’d wanted a truck for a long time. The first time I’d ever had the opportunity to do something about that desire was during my previous marriage. My ex-husband’s Blazer shit the bed so it was time to do some looking. The plan was to use the money in my CD to buy our new vehicle. I would drive it while my ex drove my Honda. Immediately I said, “I want a truck.”
I was shot down.
That situation was a perfect illustration of how things were in that relationship. My needs and wants never really seemed important. In fact, they were relegated to the back burner most of the time. Not only did I not get my truck, but we ended up with the car that he chose. Worse yet, it became his car.
That relationship lasted for eight years. Little by little I lost who I was. It was so subtle that I didn’t even realize that it was happening. As it happens, everyone else around me was able to see it. Friends, family…but I couldn’t. Or wouldn’t.
Ironically, I started to find myself through a friendship with a man who would become my husband. Things about my true personality that I had long-since buried, surfaced through this friendship. If that wasn’t hard enough, the difficult questions soon followed.
“Why do I feel more myself with Terry than I do my own husband?”
Since childhood I’ve had a strong personality. How could I have lost that, lost myself, and worse yet, never even saw it happening? What a humbling realization. I had changed who I was for a man. For a relationship. For a husband who didn’t treat me the way I deserved to be treated. For someone who thought herself so strong, how did I ever learn to believe that I didn’t deserve better?
During the summer of 2005, I started my life over. I had a new career, a new home, and a new relationship. I was re-learning who I was. This was also one of the most difficult times of my life. Because I had left everything I knew behind, I felt a little lost. I felt like I had no roots.
Terry was working through his own turmoil at the time. Trying to regain some of what was stolen from him in his first marriage. One of which was the truck he lost when his ex stole the money he gave her to pay his truck payment.
We worked to combine our separate lives, making them one. Buying our trucks together was the first thing that we did together. The first thing that was ours together. Buying our trucks was planting our first roots together.
When Terry asked me what I was looking for, there was no hesitation. I wanted a truck and I wanted it to be a Ranger. I wanted a stick shift. The rest was negotiable. Terry spotted it and I fell in love. Coincidently, Terry’s F-150 came from the same place. I named my truck Duke, after a truck in one of our favorite movies. The pride I felt from being able to choose and buy my own truck, with no one telling me I couldn’t, was indescribable. Signing my name to the title, making my payments, feeling the satisfaction of it being mine.
It was the first major decision I made for myself, because I wanted it, in a very long time. It was part of my liberation.
Letting go of Duke was harder than I imagined it would be. The only thing that has made it bearable for me is knowing that even if it was part of the first root, there have been many more roots since then. Not the least of which is the deepest root: our marriage.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
SHIT SOME OF MY KEYS DONT WORK
ladies and bitcccccccccccccxxxxxzzncjdlcvdnlkvdnlsngvrfngoegnpsygjpr kj
ccccccbbnvnvvqwwwqqqwwwwweeerrrttyaaaaaaaaasssssdddddffffffff
fghsome of my keys dont work.AAAAAAAAA
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)